Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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