he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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