God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
