I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
