I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
