the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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