remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
