How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
