I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please