cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
