i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
