life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
