so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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