yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
