Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Houston, we have a squirter
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
