My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
