jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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