I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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