I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
