my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
