I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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