Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
