he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
