I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
