areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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