My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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