I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm at about main and main street
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
