The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
