I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
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Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
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Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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