Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
