It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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