at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
