Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
