if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
