So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
this just has baby written all over it
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I supernannyed him into submission
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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