So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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