Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
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You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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