I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
