11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
