I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
