just tell him i said nine months
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Randomize
