Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
In other news, I just burned my penis
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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