I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
