the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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