Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
