i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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