look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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