And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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