I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
