she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
