i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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