This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
