dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
