Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
