you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
