Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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