Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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