I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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