You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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