Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
