Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
